Want and need
by ylc
Summary: Just because two people are meant to be together, doesn't mean they'll end up together. Sometimes you get what you want, even if it's not what you need and sometimes you get what you need, although it's not what you want. Kinda Shamy fic, but not quite.


So... I must warn you that this is not a happy Shamy fic. I'm a huge fan of this couple and I do love them together but… well, this idea wouldn't leave me alone no matter what. Hope you'll enjoy it!

English is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes!

TBBT and its characters don't belong to me!

* * *

It began with small things. So small, that he fails to notice them. At least consciously, because with his eidetic memory he keeps track of everything and now, when he looks back and tries to point out the exact moment when it happened, he sees all those little details that he failed to notice.

He supposes people would say it's perfectly normal and it's not of great importance. He might be getting slightly side-tracked, but he has gained plenty. However, he doesn't share those views. For him, love is not of greater importance that achieving his academic and professional goals. He wants a Nobel more that he wants his girlfriend (or at least, he tells himself so)

So, unwilling to keep having all this distractions, he decides to put some distance between them. When the offer to go to Switzerland for a few years arrives, he doesn't hesitate. He wants to go. More importantly, he needs to go.

Amy is thrilled with the idea. She knows his work is important, and she understands it's a great honor to have been chosen for this project. She encourages him to go and promises they'll make their relationship work (she doesn't want to get in his way and that makes him upset. Breaking up with her will be far easier if she had been trying to stop him from reaching his full potential)

He tells her that he just wants to be friends. She doesn't understand and she tries to reason with him (they can have a long distance relationship; after all, since they have almost nonphysical contact, it's not that different from what they have now) But he refuses. He knows she's right, but what she doesn't know is that he's not worried about the physical part of their relationship (he's worried about his ever growing feelings and the intimacy they share even if they're not physically intimate)

He leaves. They keep contact and she tries, over and over again to stay emotionally close, but he pushes her away. He pushes and pushes until their relationship is not that different from the one they shared before they became boyfriend and girlfriend.

He convinces himself that it's a good thing.

* * *

And so five years pass. Amy stops trying to tell him about her personal life, since every time she tries he shuts her out. He doesn't want to know. If she's moving on with her life, if she has found someone else… he doesn't want to know.

He can't bear to know.

It's time for him to go back to Pasadena. His work has advanced quite a lot and he's on the run for a Nobel. Everything he has ever wanted it's finally coming his way.

But what he wants is not necessary what he needs.

Penny and Leonard pick him up at the airport. They're married now and he tells himself he's not envious of his best friend. Leonard found love and happiness while he found success and professional achievement and that, he convinces himself, is better.

Only it's not. And Leonard is successful too, which is very puzzling for him. How can someone be in love and still be able to succeed?

They arrive to Leonard's and Penny's apartment (his old apartment) and he's not surprised to find they've decided to throw him a "welcome back" party. Howard, Bernadette, their two year old son and Raj are already there. He knew the couple had a child, but the details are vague. His friends personal lives weren't of his concern (he desperately needed distance and he knew that if he allowed himself to be involved in their lives, he would end up finding about Amy's life and he didn't want that) which is why he missed Leonard's and Penny's weeding (despite his friend pleas to be his best man) and the birth Howard's and Bernadette's child.

"Where's Amy?" he asks, after an hour, when the waiting becomes too much. His ex-girlfriend was always punctual and he's pretty sure she's still friends with the gang so, why isn't she there?

"They must be running late" Penny answers, glancing at her watch and missing him flinching. 'They' she said. Who's 'they'?

The door opens right then and Amy waltz in. She looks even more gorgeous than he remembers: her hair is shorter and her face looks fuller, but when his eyes fall to her swollen belly, his heart drops. How did this happen?

"Hi everyone" she says, cheerfully "Sorry we're late!"

"It's all my fault, really" a man says and it's until then when he notices that Amy has arrived with company "got a last minute call this morning and you know how it is…" he continues talking, but he's not listening. Amy is looking at him, smiling and as she steps closer to him, his hearts starts beating erratically. This is wrong, all wrong. Distance was supposed to make his feelings go away. He's not supposed to feel like this. Besides…

"Sheldon!" she exclaims, happily and hugs him briefly "I know you dislike hugs, but social convention dictates that's it appropriate to hug a friend when he's been gone for a long time"

He can't speak. His chest hurts too much. His eyes fall to her belly again and he notices her hand, carefully place over it. An engagement and a wedding ring shine on her finger and he has trouble breathing.

This can't be happening.

But what was he expecting? Did he think she wouldn't move on with her life? That she wouldn't find somebody else? That she wouldn't fall in love again? That she would be waiting for him?

Yes, he realizes. He expected her to wait for him. And he thinks she would have, had he not been such an idiot and insisted in pushing her away. But now it's too late: she's married and pregnant and there's nothing he can do.

He turns around and heads for his old room. He hears Leonard calling for him but he doesn't acknowledge him. He needs to go. He needs space, so he can breathe again. He needs some distance, so he can gather his thoughts.

Wasn't that what made him lose the best thing in his life?

* * *

"I'm sorry, sweetie" Penny says, sitting on his bed while holding a cup of tea. Leonard stands by the door, his expression anguished. Sheldon sighs and takes the cup from Penny.

They stay in silence for a long while. Finally, Penny speaks again "I introduced them" she confesses "Darren works as an action stunt at movies and we met when I worked as an extra in the Avengers movie. Remember that? I told you about him"

"I wasn't paying attention" he says "As I told you, your personal lives where of no concern to me"

Penny frowns "Well, maybe, if you had took some interest in your ex-girlfriend's, you would have known that a very hot guy asked her out. And I convinced her it would be a good idea. She was so depressed after you left… Why did you push her away?"

That's exactly the problem, isn't it? "I was afraid"

"Of what?"

He doesn't answer and he doesn't need to. Penny huffs, angry with him and with herself, and continues "I didn't actually think it'll work. But he kept asking me to set him up with her and Amy needed to feel better so I thought… well. She tried to resist him, but Darren is a freaking prince charming and he swept her of her feet soon enough. He asked her to marry him after a year of dating and… I think Amy tried to talk to you about it, but you refused to listen. She said you told her that you didn't want to know anything personal about her life"

He remembers that. She told him that she had to make a life changing decision and he didn't listen. Why was he so stupid? He loved (loves) her. He should have listened. He should have stayed with her and face his fears.

No use on crying over spilled milk, though.

"She's happy; if that's any consolation" Leonard tells him "We were worried she was marrying him for the wrong reasons but as it turns out… Darren is a good man. And he loves Amy very deeply"

He supposes it's a little consolation. But it should have been him making her happy. It should have been him the one asking her to marry him. It should have been him the one who put a baby on her belly.

None of that is possible now, though.

And that, he thinks, it's the worst. Knowing he can't change the past and therefore… there's not future for him.

* * *

Two months later, he receives notification that he has won the Nobel Prize. He knows he should be happy and calling everyone he knows, letting them know of his success. However, there's only one person he wants to share the news with.

Amy answers her phone after a couple of rings. He tells her the news; she congratulates him and offers to buy him dinner to celebrate. He agrees, even if he thinks it's an awful mistake. She's a married woman and despite his love, he has lost his chance.

He has what he wanted (what he thought he wanted) but not what he needs.

However now, thanks to his cowardice, he'll never be able to get what he needs.

Why, oh why, didn't he see what was standing in front of him the whole time? Why was so important to stay focus, to push away the distractions, to be a cold blooded, rational, man? Was it worth it?

No.

He has what he wanted.

It's not what he needed.

* * *

So… did you like it? Please let me know what you think! I might write another chapter, from Amy's point of view, but this is intended as a one shot.

Thanks for reading!


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